The
Purpose of Difficult Conversations
&
(Why I Risked My Life Last Night)
I live in the Southeast United States, and it
is late November, just 2 days before Thanksgiving. We have had a
particularly warm fall, and I am trying to get as much bicycling in before the
cold sets in. I am returning to my downtown apartment after a long four-hour
bike ride. It is minutes before sunset, the temp is dropping along with
the daylight. I am two blocks from my place, in the middle of my
lane, rolling at maybe 5 miles an hour, standing up hands-free as I approach
the red stoplight that is three car lengths in front of me. I have a
headlight and a taillight on my bike. I am wearing my old, well broken in
bright orange sweatshirt, shorts and no helmet.
The car behind me decides they want to be in
front of me and guns the accelerator and zooms around me coming to a screeching
halt behind the car stopped at the intersection in front of
us. It was a dangerous maneuver for all the cars around us,
but especially for me.
For those of you, including some of my close
friends, who dislike bicycles on the road, bicyclists are considered a legal
vehicle in the United States, just like a motorist. I always try and be
respectful, often giving hand signals so drivers know exactly when I am
stopping and turning. And often waving and thanking the many
drivers that are courteous to me.
The first emotion that welled up in me was
anger. The emotion that often comes up when we feel like we are
being violated. But I took a breath and calmed myself as I pulled
up next to the driver-side window. His window was rolled up as I stared
at him and shrugged. He rolled the window down and promptly blurted
‘you shouldn’t be doing tricks on your bike in the road’.
Fair enough, I know I push the envelope.
I have always pushed the envelope. (hot air ballooning, scuba,
motorcycle, bicycle…). 40% to 60% of my bike riding is handsfree
and any time I can stand handsfree and coast, I do. It is so much
fun.
But the point is, he gained nothing by his maneuver,
and we are literally one car length from a red light.
I said to him, I was in the middle of my lane,
responsibly operating a legal vehicle. He just glared at
me. With a very tender heart, soft words and tears welling up in my
eyes I asked ‘May I say one thing to you?’. He nodded.
‘I said you are in a 2000-pound vehicle, and I am basically naked. I am very
vulnerable.’ I could see his face and spirit soften. An
acknowledgement came across his face. I put my fist out and we bumped
fists. He understood and politely asked me to go in front of him, which I did,
because it was important to honor the gift he was offering
me.
The exchange was over as the light then turned
green.
There are many lessons in this story: learning
to use our emotions properly, risking ourselves to educate, being humble,
accepting gifts when offered, looking for the love in others that is sometimes
situationally buried.
But the primary lesson is that correction is
not about being right, it is not about shaming, it is not about getting
somebody to do what we think is right.
Real correction is about helping bring people
to a new level of awareness. All education, all instruction, all discipline
correctly done is about raising awareness level. Pain points to our
issues. But awareness is the only thing that brings about personal
growth. And personal growth brings about societal growth and harmony.
Let’s work on awareness in ourselves and then
it will spill over to others.
Bill Pautler
December 2024
PS The word education
comes from the word educe. Educe means to bring out or develop
something that is latent. All education is about educing out
of somebody what is already there. Good teachers educe. We
are all filled by the love of God and therefore are inherently
loving. Sometimes we just need to help educe the love out of
ourselves.
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